Recently, a very close friend lost her battle with cancer and died; she was 76. Everyone probably knew she would likely lose that battle at her age, but it still comes as a shock when it happens. We console ourselves by saying things like, "Her pain is over" or "She's in a better place" if you subscribe to religious philosophy, but no amount of consoling statements will shorten or ease the sense of loss for any of us and some experts caution against those kinds of remarks.

My wife, Gale, and I have discussed death many times over the years. With 80 years of age squarely in our sites, we know people will be making these comments about us one day. There can be no life without death. We neither fear death nor encourage it to come any sooner than necessary, programmed, or ordained depending on your point of view. Neither of us is "religious." Gale does embrace much of the Buddhist philosophy but is not a practicing Buddhist, whatever that might mean. ​

​ As for me, I probably come closest to being a Humanist. I don't believe in an afterlife in the traditional sense. I think that I am made up of elements that were in and around my parents when I was conceived. I absorbed the energy and elements of life from them and the world around me through my mother as I lived in her womb. Throughout my life, I have continued to derive my energy and my being by consuming food, water, oxygen, all the elements of our earth that permit and sustain life. And, when I die, those elements that I really only borrowed for the duration of my life will be released back into the world to sustain other life forms after I am gone. That is my version of an afterlife.

Regardless of what you believe about life and death, when there is a loss, it hurts. Losses can come in many ways. Death is the most obvious, but as a child, your best friend might move to another town, or your family is the one that moves, leaving all your friends behind. Your parents get divorced. You can have a breakup with a friend or partner that results in the sense of loss. Friends at work leave or you change jobs and leave friends behind. You can lose a dog, cat, bird, horse, or any number of non-human friends that you loved, and that leaves you miserable with a profound sense of loss. There are no shortages of losses in a person's life.

While talking about loss and grieving, and trying to understand what is happening, it occurred to me that we are not grieving for the person or animal that is gone - they may or may not be aware of anything - but rather we are grieving for ourselves. The pain we are feeling is that we have lost them in our lives.

If you have followed my writing on several topics, you know I'm a visual person. I see the world in pictures. Imagine that your being, the person that you are, is full of circles that represent the many elements in your life. A partner, a spouse, children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, your closest friend(s), workmates, dog or cat, casual friends, your job, your car, local bartender, server at your favorite restaurant. All of these people and non-people fill your life by being present and filling your memory with an encyclopedia of events, mostly happy ones, we hope. ​Some of the circles are larger than others. The larger circle means that that person is involved more heavily in your life. You interact with them often, and their emotional impact is high. The best example of this is probably the parents of a child. For the parents, the child is an all-consuming part of their life. For the child, the parent is critical to guiding them to adulthood. Others, perhaps a coworker, can also be meaningful, but they occupy less space in your life. Partners and siblings also typically play a significant role.

The grief we feel when there is a loss is relative to the role the person or animal played in our lives. Significant impact, major pain. When they are lost to us, it leaves a larger or smaller void in our hearts, in our minds, and in our so-called souls. Something is missing from our lives, something that was important to us on an emotional level is gone.
 
I say so-called soul because the soul in many religious, philosophical, and mythological traditions is the incorporeal essence of a living being. In ancient Greek, the soul means "to breathe." It comprises the mental abilities of a living being: reason, character, feeling, consciousness, memory, perception, thinking, etc. As religion evolved, the soul became a central part of religious philosophy, particularly in the Christian-Judeo philosophy, where it was concluded that only humans are permitted to have souls.
 
Another way of visualizing this 'loss' and the accompanying distress is similar to something Gale went through to quit smoking years ago. I had quit cold turkey a couple of years earlier. But, because of some personal trauma in her life, Gale needed help to break free of the habit. We tried a hypnotist that a boss and a good friend of mine, Terry Clow, had tried and enthusiastically endorsed. The instructor of this approach applied self-hypnosis. I had already quit smoking, but I asked to audit the class out of curiosity, and he agreed. In describing the anxiety one feels when stopping smoking, or any habit for that matter, he explained that the subconscious mind manages our day-to-day activities without us thinking about it.

For example, you don't have to think about how to use a fork to eat, or how many times to turn the steering wheel on your car when making a turn. You learned all these things when you were young, and that trained the subconscious mind to do these tasks for you, leaving the creative mind free to create. You learned how to form individual letters when writing and how to spell words. You learned sentence structure and the basics of grammar. Now, when you write something, you do those things automatically while your conscious brain creates the message you want to write.  

 In our case, smoking was a learned habit that the subconscious mind took over after you have learned the habit, and smoking became a part of you. You begin to associate smoking with a cup of coffee, fishing on a boat, after sex, any number of activities that you do while smoking, and enjoying the act.   The teacher, David (the last name is lost), explained that it might only take three minutes to drink a cup of coffee. But, if you smoke a cigarette at the same time, it might take a total of six minutes.

​When you quit smoking, there will be a three-minute gap of unoccupied time in your subconscious (like a gap in an audiotape) as you drink that cup of coffee. The subconscious does not like to sit around with nothing to do, and that gap in your subconscious will make you anxious. That is the panic smokers experience time and time again when they first quit. In time, the subconscious is reprogrammed for all the activities you associate with smoking, and the gap and anxiety go away as the mind reforms around that gap.

I believe grief over a loss of any kind is much like that. The loss of anyone who has played a significant role in your life leaves "gaps" in our lives, in our hearts, and in our minds. Time and interaction with others will eventually fill that void, but it will take a little time. You will never forget the loss or the person or friend, but the grief of loss will diminish as that void in your life is filled with other people, events, and activities.
 
How long that takes will vary with the individual. It will depend on how much support and love you have around you, how interested you are in life, or how engaged or isolated you may be. And, your particular belief system may also play a role in your healing.
 
Grieving is not unique to humans. We have all heard stories about a dog sleeping by its owners grave, or we have seen wildlife shows of everything from elephants to penguins and crows mourning the loss of one of their members or a mate. While we don't know exactly how animals process information in their brains, it seems evident to me, that, like us, a member of their group can become a big part of their life. When that member is lost to death or other causes, they suffer from grief in a way similar to us. In time, other members of the group help fill that empty place in their heart and mind. The mere act of living tends to make us move on.
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Knowing this, and assuming you understand and accept my premise, will not reduce your grief or shorten the duration of that grief. But, knowing why you feel as you do and that everyone, even animals go through a similar process can help understand the experience. And know that, in time, the emptiness will be filled with the love of other people, animals, and activities that lets you know there is an endpoint to the pain.

I guess it is clear to most who have read my ramblings that I am an avowed Atheist. Some people assume that as an Atheist, you don't believe in anything. In my case, that is the furthest thing from the truth. I believe in a whole lot of shit; it's just that it doesn't include God and may not align comfortably with what Pope Frankie believes, and I have a ton of respect for the guy.

This from www.myjewishlearning.com
"While in traditional Jewish thought the subjects of heaven and hell were treated extensively, most modern Jewish thinkers have shied away from this topic, preferring to follow the biblical model, which focuses on life on earth."

This from www.religiousfacts.com
" Islam teaches that there will be a day of judgment when all humans will be divided between the eternal destinations of Paradise and Hell", and, "Until the Day of Judgment, deceased souls remain in their graves awaiting the resurrection. However, they begin to feel immediately a taste of their destiny to come. Those bound for hell will suffer in their graves, while those bound for heaven will be in peace until that time." Hmm, eternity in the grave seems a bit dark and cold.

I think we all know that most of the Christian sects believe in heaven and hell. So what do I, as an Atheist believe? My philosophy lines up pretty well with the modern Jewish belief. Lest anyone be confused, I don't believe there is a God, so obviously I also don't believe there is a heaven or hell in terms of somewhere you go after death; you don't go anywhere after death - you're dead. You life has ended and what ever wondrous deeds you may have achieved or evil you may have pooped on the populace dies with you.

I totally understand that this notion of no eternal life scares the shit out of people. No one wants to die; I don't want to die, but it has nothing to do with living forever or burning in hell. I love life. I am curious about every damn thing going on in the world in which I live and I want to see what the hell happens in the future. That is why I dislike the concept of death, as inevitable as I know it is.

Every religion in history has formulated some form of afterlife. Even the Buddhists who go on about reincarnation and coming back until you get it right or are the perfect human being is a form of an afterlife. The problem is that there is no such thing as a perfect human being which, in affect, guarantees you will live forever because you will keep coming back trying to fix the screwups from your previous live or lives.

I understand the draw of this eternal life thing, and I understand the need to believe that loved ones, especially those who die young, are somewhere waiting for you to bite the big one and join them. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Okay, a little unfair to those of faith. I get the value of this kind of thinking if you have a hard time dealing with reality. Take the example of a young couple who lose their infant child early in life. I can't imagine going through that. If it had happened to one of my three children, I'm not sure what I would have done but the word Jameson comes to mind. But, for those who have faith, being able to believe that their infant child is in heaven and is there because God wanted the kid there instead of living a happy and fulfilling life on earth provides a solace that I guess lets them deal with their tragedy. In that sense, religion is serving a real purpose. But the, Jameson makes me feel good as well.

​As I wrote in my book, Religilution: The Evolution of Religion which doesn't seem to have gained much traction, none as a matter of fact, much of what we believe about life God and an after life is the construct of people thousands of years ago who were afraid of almost everything coupled with a good deal of revisionism about what might have happened or been said two thousand years ago (thus, the King James version of the Bible or this or that version). I would remind you there were no smartphones  recording video or a scribe on Jesus' shoulder writing it all down. So be it.

And that, dear friends, is my sermon for today. I do hope you have a wonderful day and all the days to come.

Isms - racism, sexism, religionism, patriotism, nationalism, what's is all about?

Let's start by admitting that we all have some degree of these or other isms; it's who and what we are because we are animals. Advanced animals, hopefully, but animals nonetheless.

So let's look at the other animals for a moment. How do they generally recognize each other? In no particular order, they use sight, sound, and smell. So do we. Animals react to other species in a couple of different ways. If they are typically prey to other animals, they grow wary and afraid when a predator is near. If it's one of their own and it's mating season, their mating instincts kick in, and they start whatever their mating ritual might be. We, like our animal cousins, respond to these same stimuli.

I'm an old white guy. I feel most comfortable talking and interacting with other white guys. I like to believe they think like I do and like the things that I like; we have a "culture" of being old in common. Women do the same thing, so do people of color, people who follow a specific faith, even people who love a particular kind of food. If you love Mexican food and walk into a Mexican restaurant full of people, you feel "at home" because you know all the other people in that restaurant are there for the same reason; you share a love of that food.

But why is this? Why do we feel comfortable "with our own kind" and nervous around strangers? As with the predator and prey animals, there was a time that we needed these instincts to survive in the wild, just like them. When we came down from the trees and started to wander on the ground, we were already in troops or tribes. We had naturally bonded together for protection and for procreation.

We were limited in our range for hunting and gathering by the fact that our only mode of transport was on foot. We weren't the only troop of humans trying to survive by finding our food, there were other troops nearby doing the same thing. If their area was running out of food, they were not averse to borrowing a little food from their neighbors, which posed a threat to our survival.

We all looked a lot alike then, short, hairy, and depending on where you lived, mostly the same color of skin. That was confusing if you wanted to avoid interlopers, so different troops started devising ways to discriminate between their troop and outsiders. That may have taken the form of color and styles of dress, hairstyles, body art, and even language, so we knew who was an outsider because outsiders posed a danger to our troop.

All this may have taken a thousand years, or about 55 generations (assuming shorter generations back then). It may have been less or more, but evolution generally takes some time. We didn't just start or stop discriminating when we made these changes.

​The conventional thinking is that we descended from the trees 6 or 7 million years ago, and we were already using tools to discriminate back then, mostly sight and smell one would imagine. As we continued to evolve as humans, we perfected many of these discriminatory behaviors because we still needed them to survive.

Zip 6 million years ahead and here we are in the twenty-first century with the most sophisticated methods of discrimination of any other animal. We have perfected the art of the ism. 

The threats to our survival that emanated from that old way of life, hunting, gathering, and warding off invaders has pretty much ended, but with several million years of using our discriminatory tools, we have become damned good at our skills. In fact, it is my opinion that our brains are hardwired to do the job for us now; that means we don't have to stop and think about the danger before we take action.

Here we are, this tightly-wound defensive animal ready to spring into action at the first sign of danger, dangers that are mostly extinct in society today. We see someone who looks different or sounds different, or sometimes even smells different, and the red flag goes up in our subconscious, warning us to be careful. But the threat isn't really there, so what should we do.

While we were perfecting this hair-trigger response to outsiders, we were also changing our world in many ways to eliminate most of the old threats. And, our brains were evolving something we call logic and critical thinking, another tool that seems to separate us from the other animals that rely mostly on instinct. We need to use that marvelous brain to overcome the old ways of seeing the world.

When we feel that sense of unease or fear about a stranger, we let our logical brain override that sense because we know we live in a modern world where we buy our food at the store, the wild animals are long gone from our society, and we have police protection from most threats of violence.

Even with the dangers presented by modern outlaw organizations like ISIS or the KKK or Neo-Nazis, we know that they are a minority of the earth population and in most cases are far removed from us. We shouldn't assume that every person from the Middle East is a radical, or that everyone with a southern accent is in the KKK; we know better.

In time, our brains will rewire themselves away from these primal instincts, but if we took a few million years to become expert discriminators, it might take some time to reverse that process. In the meantime, we use that beautiful blob of grey matter sitting behind our eyes to override the fears of our reptile brain.